> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://hollerings.org/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # How we fail to reach extremists - URL: https://hollerings.org/how-we-fail-to-reach-extremists/ - Published: 2026-08-29T18:24:40.000Z - Updated: 2026-08-30T13:29:44.000Z - Author: imabbb A few weeks ago my neighbors came over to chat and somehow the name of the current US president came up. I don't know them well so I should have sidestepped the issue, but when they started praising him I asked if they supported the president's sexual abuse against E. Jean Carroll. I reminded my neighbors a[ jury found him liable](https://apnews.com/article/trump-rape-carroll-trial-fe68259a4b98bb3947d42af9ec83d7db?ref=hollerings.org) for sexual abuse – a jury that certainly included supporters. The judge ordered a $5 million dollar settlement and after an appeal was denied, the judgment was recently paid with interest. They heard me, I know they did. They heard me but weren't listening. They got defensive and rather than trying to understand they appeared to be searching for a programmed response but none came. I offered to show them evidence but they said no and left. They were challenged with something that didn’t fit into their worldview and then refused to consider verifiable evidence to the contrary. The sexual abuse was widely reported on conservative and liberal media so it would have been easy to confirm or deny on the spot. ## Is extremism all the same? After they were gone I realized my neighbors were exhibiting cult-like behavior that felt a lot like my own behavior years ago in the [Boston Church of Christ](https://www.culteducation.com/group/983-international-church-of-christ/10096-during-the-1980s-the-boston-church-of-christ-led-by-kip-mckean-later-known-as-the-international-church-of-christ-was-accused-of-using-cult-tactics.html?ref=hollerings.org). Contrary to its name it wasn't connected to any mainstream church and was widely regarded as a cult. It occurred to me that political fanatics and religious fanatics are exactly the same only different. Later I got angry at myself for totally blowing any chance to help them regain objectivity. I am now the last person on Earth they will go to when they have doubts. Because of what I did they might never benefit from my experience. They weren't the first people I’d tried to talk to. It wasn’t the first time I’d blown it and it wasn't going to be the last unless I found a better way. ## So what did I finally learn? In the beginning of all this I was amused by the extremists so I mocked them. When their behavior grew serious and confused me I asked questions. When the questions went unanswered I grew frustrated and tried to educate. When they refused to listen I gave up and withdrew. But avoidance doesn't work for me so after researching the books and applying my own experience this is what I finally learned First of all if you ever find yourself in my situation, the goal isn't to win an argument. That will surely fail and only drive them further away. I think the goal must be to become a safe and supportive harbor for them when they have concerns about the group and need somebody to talk to. Try to be non-judgmental and never, ever use the words ‘cult’ or ‘brainwashed’ or anything like that. That leads to humiliation when they really need hope and a pleasant reminder of their life before. Avoid hot topics like attacks on the leader or doctrine. Treat them like a friend, one who has no agenda. Act interested in their new way of life. Avoid providing answers but instead ask open-ended questions like, “How does that make you feel?” Don’t argue or try to prove them wrong with evidence. Don’t be like I was in my kitchen that day. ## Be prepared for a mental script If they appear to be using a mental script to avoid your open-ended, nonjudgmental questions, change it up. Consider asking them a question they don’t expect in order to nudge them out of their mental loop. If they resist a question it can help to tell them they don’t have to answer, as if the question is rhetorical. Giving someone the power to choose can remove blocks and allow you to plant healthy seeds. The leaders of extremist groups often make promises they don’t keep but that supporters appear to forget. It can be helpful if they write down all the promises that have been made to help them see on their own that they were not kept. Like in writing fiction, the idea is to ‘show, don’t tell.’ One thing to be especially wary of is your tone of voice. Even if your words aren't meant to criticize, others can hear them that way. If appropriate, humor can help overcome this and many other obstacles. ## Three thoughts to consider Identifying political extremism is easy, but only when it comes from somewhere else. Fanaticism abhors a mirror. If you're reading this sentence you have some really lucky people in your life.